Sharing Me

Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body.

~Irene Claremont de Castillejo

Homecoming is so close I can feel it breathing on my neck! It’s been so long since I have seen my husband’s face, hair, skin, hands, – everything. Although he was home for a short time before getting redeployed it felt more like an R&R than his homecoming. We didn’t even get to enjoy a ‘honeymoon’ stage with the holidays, moving, our oldest going to a new school, and then the re-deployment. Even though we did the whole homecoming thing not too long ago I still find myself feeling the same reservations – specifically on touch.

As much as I dream about running into my husband’s arms to hold on for dear life, kissing him until we can’t any more, and having our bodies feel close again, I can’t remove myself from wondering if my space will feel violated? As well as how can it be violated if that space has been untouched because of a separation I have been longing to end?

As a military wife you learn to adapt and mold into whatever you need to be for any and every situation. Living months without any sensual, loving touch was difficult to get accustomed to at first but after time goes by its like you become comfortable with solitude and being untouched is as normal as waking up every morning.

Most people don’t allow just ‘anyone’ to touch you. I for one am no big ‘hugger’ – until I create an emotion for you. When we are out in public, to most people, it would be completely uncomfortable to have a stranger go up to you and put his/her hand on your shoulder as you converse. (I would probably be a bit scared too) Now if I know you this person (as an acquaintance per say) it might still be a little uncomfortable but more in the realm of okay. And thus, if I ‘know you – know you’ (in the sense that I have factual feelings for you) I would not only be okay with your hand on my shoulder but would expect more.

Children, for example, are the most honest and truthful individuals on earth – just because it’s all they know to be (a good thing, I say).  Most toddlers do not freely go to strangers unless they sense trust and an emotional connection. If you force them, they most likely will cry, kick, and scream. Conversely, if you take your time building that emotional bond, the toddler will slowly move towards you at their own pace and in the most genuine way ever.

So, here I am, feeling like a toddler faced with a stranger – and that stranger is touch. I know I love my husband and I trust him and have an emotional connection – but his touch is a stranger to my body. His touch needs to start over. His touch needs to work on a bond. His touch needs to earn my emotional connection. I expect it to not take too long but initially sharing me is going to be easier said than done.

Since the initial deployment my emotions have gone through shock, trauma, and recovery and all along the means used as the primary expression for these feelings – touch – has been suppressed.  I too need to retrain my mind and body to allow touch to be reintegrated into my life again. Touch – be it a hug, holding hands, a kiss, or a stroke on the face – is essential in a marriage and any loving relationship for that matter. So although, I am feeling a bit anxious about touch – I do recognize that I would fail at my love if I don’t walk into confronting this, even if it is a slow process, in the end it will be success.

Now I’m not quite sure how common this feeling is amongst most military wives but I wanted to be authentic about what is in my tumultuous thoughts and possibly in the other less outspoken military wives. And no – I’m not saying I plan on avoiding my husband’s touch like the plague. We will have our picture perfect – almost poster type homecoming moment, it’s after that moment has passed that worries me.

The human body is not an instrument to be used, but a realm of one’s being
to be experienced, explored, enriched and, thereby, educated.
–   Thomas Hanna

Calling all Military Spouses, Girlfriends, Fiancés, Children, Friends and Families: NEED YOUR INPUT!!

Hello Everyone!!

I haven’t been able to ‘post’ anything lately because I have been preoccupied with a couple of projects and ideas I’ve put on the back burner. Now with the hubby re-deployed and with being in a new location (still quite unfamiliar with) I decided to attempt to use my time wisely and take advantage of solidarity and make it as productive as possible!

One of those projects is putting as many creative ideas and activities families and friends (specifically children) can do independently and together during times of deployment. Now, I know – we military wives are very creative during these times 😉 I have come up with quite a few of my own and others I have searched for as well. But I would love more!!

So here is my question to you:

What is your favorite activity, creative idea, gift, surprise, care package theme, and/or homemade letter/card that you sent or did while experiencing deployment on the homefront??

It can be ANYTHING! Please email me your idea at: Homefront_wife@yahoo.com

I am truly so excited to get this project going and out there to the public!

Thank you all for your support and suggestions!!!

PS: Book Review!!! A great book for military children!

“The Little Marine and the Flag” by Carissa J. Marine

My girls received this book as a gift and they (mainly my oldest – who can understand more) was so excited to have a book where she felt she could relate to. It’s a great, cute, and educational book every military child should have – especially children in U.S. Marine Corps families.

Here is an excerpt from the Website The Little Marine:

Every morning the Little Marine wakes up to the sound of a trumpet playing.  Jumping out of bed, he looks out his window over the trees to where his daddy works.  As he watches, he sees a huge American flag being raised up a very tall flagpole.  He loves seeing that big flag.  He often tells his daddy that he wants to go see it and stand under it some day.   

Author Carissa Marine invites you along on the Little Marine’s quest to learn more about the American flag.  Entertaining for young readers, The Little Marine and the Flag is a must read that also reminds even adult readers of treasured American values. 

 

Again, I can’t say how great this book is –  so far it is still the book of choice for bedtime story in my house!

You can go to The Little Marine site to purchase it or check out your local bookstore, like Books-a-Million.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!! 🙂

An Open Letter to the Military: Regarding the Recent Deployment to Haiti, Rumors, and the Homefront

Dear Military,

As you know, it has been about 20 days since my husband deployed to Haiti. I am almost 100% certain that the inbox of our FRO (Family Readiness Officer) has been inundated with inquiries regarding our service men’s and women’s return date. I, as a spouse and a mother of two little girls, am not immune to the desire to know either but have moved away from asking since I can already predict the answer is not yet known. However, this does not eliminate the frustration and anxiety that I and other spouses are currently experiencing. 

It is obvious to those involved that our stress and overwhelming dissatisfaction about this deployment is more so in relation to the fact that our men and women just got home from their recent 7 month deployment. It is a constant fear of mine, as well as voiced in other spouses, that our ‘family time’ will be cut short or worse non-existence upon their return due to the realization that they must start ‘work-ups’ to deploy again in the near future.

With the rumors looming around us like a plague it is easier said than done to not grab a hold of one and hold on to it until it is shot down. At times, for me, it can make a huge difference in my day to follow a rumor for a couple of hours instead of looking into an endless tunnel with an indefinite end. Occasionally, I even welcome them – even more so to get me through the ‘rough days’. Currently, the rumor that has grabbed my attention is that some spouses have been given a return date. It would truly be infuriating to know that a selection of spouses is receiving more information regarding homecoming while other spouses are counting up days instead of having the opportunity to count down. Although my logic comforts my emotions in the belief that this too is nothing more than a rumor – it still is very challenging to overlook.

I am aware that representatives of the unit are not authorized to provide specific dates and/or information until they are given permission to do so. Reflecting on the circumstances and the barriers around the deployment, I began to contemplate ideas or ways we as spouses can be alleviated from the stressors of this current situation. I understand with a full heart of compassion that Haiti needs the help of the International community to assist them in returning to, at minimum, what their world was like seconds before the earthquake. I am proud to be part of a nation that can assist in this mass effort providing extraordinary and grand humanitarian relief. I am aware, via the news and updates from the CO (Commanding Officer), that our service men and women are consistently and productively providing this assistance where needed as well as supporting NGOs. What would be reassuring at this time for us spouses on the homefront, and to say the least – encouraging, maybe to tell us what the determining factors are in regards to the length of this deployment? Is there a list of areas/towns in Haiti that need to be visited first? Is there a group of NGOs that must be assisted? Is there a goal of how many people of Haiti need to receive direct assistance from us? At this point – anything is truly better than hearing nothing. Speaking for myself, I feel that if I received an update more often, even to say that ‘nothing new is known’, would be more consoling than passing another day with silence amid incessant rumors.

Nevertheless, I appreciate and applaud the rapid planning and organization of the upcoming “Family Appreciation Day”. My daughters and I are truly looking forward to having a delightful time as well as the given opportunity to meet other spouses and families in which empathy can be utilized at its best. This being the first event I am attending, since recently moving into the area, I am unaware if there will be Chaplains and/or counselors at hand to casually introduce themselves and “check-in” on us spouses and children and possibly go as far as extending their therapeutic services. With the present unexpected back-to-back deployment along with the added strain of it being ‘indefinite’ it should almost be anticipated that risks of anxiety, depression, and even alcohol and drug abuse may be high amongst family members. I say this not only as a  licensed professional in the field of mental health but also as someone who is facing these circumstances and know what a difference it  would make to hear someone come to me and say they understand how difficult this can be and simply ask me how I am doing.

I hope that my letter does not find you bothered by my spoken standpoint for my desire to know something that may very well be unattainable, but with that, I hope you can also understand the position I speak from. It would be more than a blessing to just have my husband home already, but as I mentioned – at this point knowing anything is better than knowing nothing.

Until then, my prayers are with him, the entire military, the people of Haiti, and the families of those here on the homefront. I not only pray for strength but that we may also continue and strive to be optimistic during this fractious time.

Sincerely,

A Military Spouse

Calendar Countdown

calendar

Halloween is over! Woo-hoo! Now don’t get me wrong, my daughters and I love Halloween. We very much enjoy costume shopping, decorating, and (of course) trick-or-treating. It was a very crazy last few weeks of October (thus why no recent blog post). But, I’m back and super excited that the month of October is finished!

You see, when my husband first deployed my oldest daughter would ask how long her daddy would be away – when we would tell her about 6-7 months you could see her heart crushing because to her 6-7 months felt like an eternity (which I could understand because I too felt the same). So we came up with our own calendar for when “Daddy Comes Home” to help our daughter better understand how long daddy will be away.

Here is Our Countdown:

Mother’s day (May)

Kindergarten Graduation (June)

Independence Day (July)

Family Vacation in Spain (August)

Back to School (September)

Mommy Birthday and Halloween (October)

Nana’s Birthday, Uncle’s Birthday, and Thanksgiving (November)

Her Birthday (December) 

And then daddy will be home for Christmas!

 

Yesterday was Nana’s birthday, so now we are awaiting my brother-in-law’s birthday this weekend and then just Thanksgiving and our daughters oldest birthday (which is the first week of December). So basically, my husband is coming home soon!!! (yay) You can only imagine how excited my daughter is. All she keeps saying is – “Thanksgiving is in 2 weeks – 2 weeks – only 2 weeks” and I know that really translates to: ‘daddy is almost home’.

And of course, with the excitement of homecoming around the corner also comes a whole load of other emotions too – for both my daughter and I which I will be talking about in my upcoming blog posts.

Coming back to my routine blogging from neglecting it for some days now, I feel that it still fits everything going on in my life currently because it’s as though a new chapter is being written about my life on the homefront. Even though the actual deployment may be coming to an end, I know (very well) that experience is yet to be over when my husband is home and that even more chapters will be written.

Until next post…

PS: Missing You On My Birthday (A Poem)

A candle is lit as I’m surrounded by love

Each one singing the traditional song

To wish me happiness and wealth

in the new year to come

 

I tearfully think of the year that has passed

And remember every moment that was oh so sad

The memories escape me of happiness and cheer

As I fear the older I get the more anguish I may feel

 

My heart skips a beat as they call out my name

It startles my mind pondering about the pain

I lift up my eyes and quickly realize

I have nothing to fear

For God has made my life heavenly and divine

 

It’s time to make a wish and blow out my candles

You can see in my eyes my desires are clear

All I want for my birthday is my husband to be here

Ridiculous and unattainable I know

But there is no way to discourage what the heart implores

 

A gush of wind comes from within

Grazing my lips to extinguish the flames

To end this year’s celebration overflowing with dismay

 

I yearn for my husband and I to embrace

Allowing the passion that has been temporarily displaced

Due to the distance that lies in between

But never allowing our love to cease

Continuously feeling like a riveting machine

 

I look forward to being with family and friends

Although I desire this day coming to an end

It’s not that I mind wrinkles or aging

I just not having my husband home

Can sometimes be enraging

 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes

And making my day special

I hope you understand

My whole day is not depressing

It’s only that even more so today

It hurts me further

That my other half is not present

Forever Young

As my birthday approaches all I have been thinking about is what another year means for me. Am I any wiser? Am I more experienced? Am I more wrinkled or saggy? Do I appear older? Should I feel old? Am I more mature or should I be more mature? Is time flying past me?

As a child all the way to teenage years I looked forward to my birthday as nothing more than presents, cake, and more privileges. It was a day I had the ‘license’ to do whatever I wanted! Birthday parties and outings were planned – every year out-doing the last. I especially remember my Sweet 16. I had an extravagant (Spanish-family type) party that resembled a wedding. I wore a big poofy white dress and had my cotillion in red flamenco-style dresses and the boys in black suits. My husband, then boyfriend, was also there is in his rank-less military uniform straight from boot-camp. I remember thinking that day I had became a real woman – 16 was the age of true maturity and independence – yea right! As the years past on, 18 was the last birthday I celebrated with the same enthusiasm I had as a child. After that, it was just another reason to go out and get together. 

Then 25 came and went.

That was the year that ‘age’ had a new definition. I wondered if now is when I could no longer be considered young or at least mid-20’s? Was it time to be called a late twenties woman and to accept that I was aging and had to start taking life seriously (or more so than before)? Yet, at the same time, I fell into the trap of anti-aging and began to ponder ways and ideas to manipulate my body’s normal transitions.

Women for years have been manipulating their bodies and appearances to come across as beautiful and young within their culture. Women succumb to many cultural traditions, from Chinese foot-binding, Burmese neck rings, African Lip Rings, Victorian corsets, to today’s anti-aging creams, plastic and cosmetic surgery, extreme dieting, and constant beautification of hair, nails, and make-up. All aiming to be the youngest, most beautiful, and sought-out woman in their community. 

You see, I come from a family of straight-forward ANTI-aging women. As a child I knew very well to never ask a woman their age. I watched my Mamita (my maternal grandmother) buy expensive creams until she found the perfect one, immediately dye her hair at the site of anything gray, constantly use lotions, and would hear her pass down secrets to my mother. The women in my family are always in constant worry about finding a wrinkle or gray strand of hair. Some more than others have facials on schedule, have nightly cream regimens, get their nails done weekly, never miss a hair dye appointment, get cellulite reducer massages, and even have had plastic and cosmetic surgery.

Basically, the older my sister and I get, the younger the older women in our family get.

My Mamita today is in the late stages of Alzheimers (bless her heart) but even with the disease her mind never ceases from asking for her lipstick – how is her hair – wanting her nails painted – and quickly snapping if you mention aloud she is ‘old’. I laugh with a heart full of love in her presence and I wonder if this is the future that awaits me – wrinkly, gray, saggy, soft, and in denial.

My Mamita at 81 years old

My Mamita, today at 81 years old!

I myself am in no way resistant to this anti-aging mentality the women of my family are infected with. I do wear make-up daily (cover-up, blush, and lip gloss at minimum), I do own a ‘pick me up’ bra, I dye my hair when I get bored of the color (which, actually, within the past year I have only done once), and I don’t normally mention my age. But – I don’t get my nails done, I have never had a facial, my lotion of choice is plain ‘ole Jergens, I only get a massage if my body hurts, and I have never done any extreme forms of beautification (such as purchasing expensive mascara).

My fears of aging are more in the lines of health and time passing me by too quickly and not completing my bucket list. We all know the saying, “they grow up so fast”, when looking at children. But I remember as a child, the days felt long, a month felt like forever, and a year felt like an eternity and now, within the past two years – days fly by, a month is quickly gone, and last year felt like yesterday. The older I get – the more I appreciate a second, a minute, an hour, a day – because if you’re not paying attention – it will pass you by.

I welcome my birthday as I did any other. Looking back into the past year I can’t believe where life has taken me. Last year, celebrating my birthday in Virginia, it never even crossed my mind that I would be back home with family and my husband would be deployed. I never knew I would spend a birthday without my husband. I never knew I had the courage and strength to raise my two girls alone – all while keeping my deployed husband active in their hearts, minds, and lives. I never knew that I would finally start sharing my writing and be out of the professional workforce. I never knew what it meant to truly lose a loved one. I never knew what it meant to see others around you begin to get sick. I never knew what it meant to be alone. I never really knew how much I took for granted. I never knew I would be feeling this way on my birthday.

Our birthdays are not about aging and appearance, it is about our life, our wisdom, our experience and that is why to the people who love us we will always be beautiful – even at 81! I look forward to growing old – because it will mean another year God has blessed me, another year I have my children, another year filled with experiences, and another year with my love.

I will embrace every wrinkle and every gray hair with open arms because they are symbols (or scars) of my life. Just this past year I have learned so much more about myself, my marriage, and my family – I can’t wait to see what I will know in the years to come.

I may never really aim to be forever young, even though I am partially anti-aging. All I know is that I will always aspire to be healthy and young at heart – and will greet life and its experiences as they come.

Tomorrow I will welcome an extra candle on my cake. It will represent my new wisdom, my new knowledge, and my new life (and possibly a wrinkle or two). And of course, you all know what my wish will be.

(Miss you beh, even more so on my Birthday)

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent –

that is to triumph over old age.


— Thomas Bailey Aldrich